“I stood there staring at the street,
A little bird from the broken lights,
So torn to pieces fall apart, and that breaks my heart.
Farewell, but who am i to say?
That I could paint a butterfly, in empty shades of grey?
Let it go and fly away, but hear me say:
‘Maybe we’ll laugh [while you dance, and cry while you sing and hold your babies].
But there’s no one to blame
[We must say goodbye’].”
~Blue October, Who Am I”
Watching someone you love lose the most important person in their life is the absolute most helpless feeling in the world.
Watching my father and aunt lose their best friend and sister was heart wrenching and made me cling even more to my two sisters.
Watching my cousins lose their bestest friend and mom was almost unbearable.
But watching my Uncle lose his everything broke every piece inside of me. Why? I don’t know yet. All I do know is that as I was there almost daily, with little breaks for them from me, I could hear The Lord telling me, “Take notes. Do not ever forget what you see.”
Blue October’s music has always been able to help me process. And while these songs are not on their new album Sway, which came out the same day Aunt Cindy passed on to glory, it has been what has gotten me through this difficult time aside from Holy Spirit and my family.
“I see the sun go down on the river.
I feel the wind blow out of state to gray,
I feel the air around you,
It’s kinda closing in.
Do you feel it fall?
Or do you feel at all?
I see the world keep moving,
As I stumble.
They seem to move much faster than me.
[So] I sit in my four-cornered room dividing hearts for a little girl.
I wish you would stay!
I see the sun go up as your image and I feel the weight of your eyes as you stare.
You made me feel at home
You made me feel again
I wish you could’ve stayed!
I see the door close down behind you
I watch your face turn from glow to straight grey.
I see the moon go up and it shines this glory on my face!
Who would’ve known?”
~Blue October – The Feel Again (Stay)