12-18-13: the sleepless nights

I usually try to fall asleep on the couch with the background noise of the tv. The silence is too loud for me on some days. I usually succeed. I fall asleep and then wake up groggy, stagger to bed, and fall right back to sleep. But some days it doesn’t work.
Some days I wake up, stagger to bed, and I’m all of a sudden wide awake. In the silence. And I get that overwhelming, intense pain of grief in my chest. The one that pulls and tears at all emotions. I lie in bed with those familiar feelings of shock and disbelief and they completely take over. My head will start spinning with a million thoughts and a million memories. I close my eyes to escape and try to “check out”, but when I do that, I have those haunting images. Her crying. Her struggling to sit up. Struggling to talk. Her blank stares. Her frustration. I see her struggling to breathe. I see her looking up and following something with her eyes as she tries to smile (a good and sad memory). I’m taken back to the several “death watches” that we were on.
I open my eyes and reach for the good memories. The fun we had. The talks we had. The laughs. I try anything so that I won’t be afraid to close my eyes. I pray to God to give me peace. To give me comfort. To help me understand His will. And I end with a plea. I beg and beg to have long and vivid and happy dream about mom. Because all I want is to see her walking and happy and smiling and talking away.

“The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms” (Deuteronomy 33:27).

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About Sherry

I'm not sure about me yet. I lost my mom, my best friend, my confidant to brain cancer. I see the good it has brought in others, I'm just not sure yet how it has changed me for the better. Her kindness and finding joy in sadness has been passed to us, but this is a pain I have never felt. I know she would not want us sitting around crying, she would want us enjoying each other and laughing and continue to grow closer. She loved when we all got together and just laughed and that's what we have been doing. But honestly, I'm really scared of life without her. I relied on her for everything. Most of my time was spent with her, so I'm just not sure about me. I just take it day by day and try to find the beauty of gray.
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2 Responses to 12-18-13: the sleepless nights

  1. Sherry Forbish says:

    Oh, sweet Sherry – I know –
    Much love,
    Aunt Sherry

  2. Mindy says:

    I just got to read this. I’m so sorry:( I know this is such a hard time for you and your family. I don’t know how you are “soldering” through except by His Strength. I’m praying for you and wishing it were all a horrible dream and we finally woke up.
    Praying most especially for a long and vivid dream of you and your mom on the beach; running, laughing, and her making funny mouth noises to irritate you:) That would be the best Christmas gift ever. Praying that for you tonight.
    Love you!
    Min

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