“Firsts” Emotions

I feel I have so much on my mind that I can’t even get out what I am trying to say. There have been some overwhelming emotions lately. It doesn’t seem to be just me either. Isabella has talked about Mammie a lot this week. She talks to her or sings to her often, but this week has been different. She has come up to me and out of nowhere says “mommy, I miss mammie. I miss mammie a lot.” She wants her mammie so much, as do we all. I am so grateful for the relationship they had. Tonight, I noticed her just staring into space. How I wish I could get into her little head. I asked her what she was thinking about and she says “shhhh, I am thinking about Mammie right now.” After brushing teeth, she says to me “I miss mammie. I want to talk to mammie. When is she coming back?” It’s absolutely heartbreaking. Maybe she is old enough to be experiencing those “firsts” emotions.

We took our family pictures today. I missed her directions and the million pictures she wanted to take! I miss that laughter. I miss her telling us to stop the fake smiling. I miss seeing her next to my dad. I miss seeing her hugging her grandchildren. And as my dad took a picture with the kids, I felt that familiar stab. It was a tough thing to do today, but I know she would be so proud of us for taking the pictures.

This week was also the Nutcracker Market. Mom, Aunt Sherry, and I have been going together every year for so long. We so looked forward to it. This was a “for sure” girls night thing. I cried the whole way there. I got in the car with Aunt Sherry and it was very quiet and we cried some more. I didn’t think I would go this year, but Aunt Sherry encouraged me to “carry on the legacy” as she put it. So I shopped for mom. I made sure to stop at our favorite booths. I had the angel on my shoulder not telling me to be wise and not spend, but instead to buy, buy, buy!

As I experience these “firsts” without mom, it makes me appreciate her even more than I did before. I didn’t think that was possible. I have always looked up to her and tried so hard to be like her. I know that’s impossible. She was one of a kind. But I’ll never stop trying.


About Sherry

I'm not sure about me yet. I lost my mom, my best friend, my confidant to brain cancer. I see the good it has brought in others, I'm just not sure yet how it has changed me for the better. Her kindness and finding joy in sadness has been passed to us, but this is a pain I have never felt. I know she would not want us sitting around crying, she would want us enjoying each other and laughing and continue to grow closer. She loved when we all got together and just laughed and that's what we have been doing. But honestly, I'm really scared of life without her. I relied on her for everything. Most of my time was spent with her, so I'm just not sure about me. I just take it day by day and try to find the beauty of gray.
Aside | This entry was posted in The Beauty of Gray and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to “Firsts” Emotions

  1. Caroline says:

    Your mom is the artist of your family; she created it and I like to think that she was directing today….

    Thanks for letting me be a small part of it.

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