I feel I have so much on my mind that I can’t even get out what I am trying to say. There have been some overwhelming emotions lately. It doesn’t seem to be just me either. Isabella has talked about Mammie a lot this week. She talks to her or sings to her often, but this week has been different. She has come up to me and out of nowhere says “mommy, I miss mammie. I miss mammie a lot.” She wants her mammie so much, as do we all. I am so grateful for the relationship they had. Tonight, I noticed her just staring into space. How I wish I could get into her little head. I asked her what she was thinking about and she says “shhhh, I am thinking about Mammie right now.” After brushing teeth, she says to me “I miss mammie. I want to talk to mammie. When is she coming back?” It’s absolutely heartbreaking. Maybe she is old enough to be experiencing those “firsts” emotions.
We took our family pictures today. I missed her directions and the million pictures she wanted to take! I miss that laughter. I miss her telling us to stop the fake smiling. I miss seeing her next to my dad. I miss seeing her hugging her grandchildren. And as my dad took a picture with the kids, I felt that familiar stab. It was a tough thing to do today, but I know she would be so proud of us for taking the pictures.
This week was also the Nutcracker Market. Mom, Aunt Sherry, and I have been going together every year for so long. We so looked forward to it. This was a “for sure” girls night thing. I cried the whole way there. I got in the car with Aunt Sherry and it was very quiet and we cried some more. I didn’t think I would go this year, but Aunt Sherry encouraged me to “carry on the legacy” as she put it. So I shopped for mom. I made sure to stop at our favorite booths. I had the angel on my shoulder not telling me to be wise and not spend, but instead to buy, buy, buy!
As I experience these “firsts” without mom, it makes me appreciate her even more than I did before. I didn’t think that was possible. I have always looked up to her and tried so hard to be like her. I know that’s impossible. She was one of a kind. But I’ll never stop trying.