The strange feelings

There have been many days that the grief will strike at the strangest times. It can be in the middle of a conversation, whether it is about mom or not. It can be in a quiet moment. It can be in a loud moment. I will be sitting or driving or listening. It’s when Isabella holds a picture up to the sky and says “this is for you Mammie!” And when it strikes, it’s nauseating.
Lately, the whole shock of mom dying has cycled back around and I find myself saying several times a day: “that didn’t happen, it couldn’t have happened. This must be a terrible dream, there’s no way mom is not at home watching tv while she shops online. This did NOT happen.”
I’ll tell myself to snap out of it, but thinking about mom not being here anymore just feels confusing and not valid. I’m not really worried about myself. I know this is all part of the grieving process. But it’s still weird how shocked and surprised I still am when I think about mom not being here.
I’ve been blessed by having dreams of mom. I know people that have lost their parent years ago and they still have not had a dream about them. I have lost count of my dreams. There have been dreams of her giving me a message. There have been funny dreams that remind me of a memory. And there have been straight up strange dreams! But I am so grateful and thankful to see her face and hear her voice.

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About Sherry

I'm not sure about me yet. I lost my mom, my best friend, my confidant to brain cancer. I see the good it has brought in others, I'm just not sure yet how it has changed me for the better. Her kindness and finding joy in sadness has been passed to us, but this is a pain I have never felt. I know she would not want us sitting around crying, she would want us enjoying each other and laughing and continue to grow closer. She loved when we all got together and just laughed and that's what we have been doing. But honestly, I'm really scared of life without her. I relied on her for everything. Most of my time was spent with her, so I'm just not sure about me. I just take it day by day and try to find the beauty of gray.
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3 Responses to The strange feelings

  1. Clarisa says:

    Your mother told me numerous times, she was never concerned for herself, but the pain
    and heartache she was putting y’all through. She never wanted y’all to worry or cry. Easier said than done, I know. Although you can not see her, I know she sees you and is with you every single day. Funny you posted this now. I was looking at her service program earlier and thinking some of your same thoughts. I miss her tremendously and am blessed she was my friend. I pray your happy days outnumber your sad ones and that you find the joy of your mother in all you do

  2. Jan Hunter says:

    Sent from my iPhone

  3. Vanessa says:

    You are very very blessed to have so many dreams of your mom that show you she is still alive, though she is living in another place called heaven. I told Monica I have been to heaven and the Lord had me return. It was a place just as earth is a place. There were buildings, life going on, amazing green green grass, people were in white robes,..yes, life!!!
    I have had many angelic messengers come to me in dreams. I am very blessed!! You are correct concerning many loose a loved one and never have dreams. My girlfriend, Ginger, lossed her daughter to cancer very suddenly at the age of 13 about 4 years ago. She has never had a dream about her. She has cried to the Lord to have her speak to her in a dream. I have for sure ask the Lord to do the same for her as a mother. She does come to others and they tell Ginger. However, we pray she comes to her personally to help heal some of her broken heart.

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