“Was just thinking about this today…how we all say, ‘my gosh it’s only been 2 months, it feels so much longer.’ I was just thinking how mom’s passing has just flipped my usual understanding of time. So many occasions people can easily say, ‘man it feels like Christmas was just yesterday’…but we weren’t thinking about Christmas everyday since the previous Christmas…When something like this happens, every single day is a painful, “anniversary”…We’re also so used to measuring events by one year anniversaries…now put days into what folks usually put into years or months; It’s been 60+ days for us. But our “one day anniversaries” feel like 60 months. Put it into years as people like to do, and it’s 60 years. Time has just dragged on because the thoughts are with us every waking hour. We’ve had more “anniversaries” than we’re used to. It may only be 2 months (which sounds short) but put it into hours and it’s been 770 painful, consecutive hours. That’s a lot of hours. Our calendars tell us it’s only been 2 short months, but our emotions tell us that just can’t be…just thought I’d share…such an awkward new perspective on life and “time” as I’ve previously known it…Even more so as life now seems so drastically shorter then I’ve ever before viewed it. A year anniversary seems so far away when tomorrow can be so quickly taken.” This was a text from my twin brother Brandon. It seems deep and hard to understand, but read it again and you will see and hear and feel the pain that he has actually managed to put into words.
Today marked two months. I wasn’t warned that my emotions would be increasing. I haven’t had a night this month where I have not cried myself to sleep. The pain and emptiness intensifies with each day. I could see the pain in dad’s face today. At church I saw in the corner of my eye him getting emotional. Of course I could not look at him directly because that would have caused me to get even more emotional. Church service this morning had just the right songs that hit my soul and spoke to me in a way that’s indescribable. The emotion hit even when I tried to “check out” as I call it. God would not let me check out today. Is that a good thing? Who knows. It made me vulnerable in a place that I usually don’t allow myself to be vulnerable. Which is silly and doesn’t really make sense, but that is me. And I am finding the new me everyday in this strange new journey.
Blessing of the day: being with dad all weekend and having fun. Being with him as we visited mom’s gravesite today and put new flowers where she is. Fall theme of course 🙂