One of THOSE days

Today was one of THOSE days. Where all I thought about was mom and how much I miss her. I found myself staring into space a lot today just thinking. And then my first breakdown came. Matthew asked me to make a birthday list. What do I want…..people want to know. Make a list! Make a list! Make a list! I had to walk away and just lay down. I just have no desire to talk about my birthday. Mom loved celebrating us. We were everything to her and she never stopped proving that. So not having her here doing all those things will be tough. You’re never too old for your mama. To want her. To need her. So today, I just really wanted her. Little Matthew did something today that I know she would have gotten a kick out of it. Since I was in junior high, for some reason I would always tilt my head when I was getting my picture taken. I probably thought it was cool or cute. Mom would always tease me about it. Today Matthew kept tilting his head when I told him to smile.
I was talking to Brandon earlier this week. We were discussing how we all thought the pain would get easier as time went on. We seem to all agree that it is getting worse. It’s harder now than when it actually happened. We thought maybe we would hit a plateau of pain. Not true. It continues to rise.
So tonight I will end the day by praying. Praying for peace. Praying for comfort. Praying for God to help me get through another day of grieving.

About Sherry

I'm not sure about me yet. I lost my mom, my best friend, my confidant to brain cancer. I see the good it has brought in others, I'm just not sure yet how it has changed me for the better. Her kindness and finding joy in sadness has been passed to us, but this is a pain I have never felt. I know she would not want us sitting around crying, she would want us enjoying each other and laughing and continue to grow closer. She loved when we all got together and just laughed and that's what we have been doing. But honestly, I'm really scared of life without her. I relied on her for everything. Most of my time was spent with her, so I'm just not sure about me. I just take it day by day and try to find the beauty of gray.
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5 Responses to One of THOSE days

  1. Carolyn Hetrick says:

    I will end my day by praying for you as well. You are such a strong person. I’m so glad that you are able to express yourself through this outlet. We love you very much

  2. Sarah says:

    Praying for you tonight, sweet Sherry!

  3. Kendall says:

    You’ll be in my prayers tonight, I love you to pieces!

  4. Rachel says:

    Sherry, prayers for peace and beauty from these ashes. My pain isn’t the same as yours, but in my experience the pain sticks around forever because there’s always something they should be here for. The only thing that helps me is that through it all God is always there and He has good plans.

  5. Sherry says:

    Sherry, not sure I warned any of you – thinking this is where you might now be. After the death of a dearly loved one, about two months after, there’s an ache – an intense physical ache to want to SEE them, touch them, hear them speak, see them move – not sure how to really describe the feeling. I thought it might be a little different since all of us saw your Mom endure the not moving, speaking, etc., over the last several months – but even in view of what she dealt with, she was still HERE. We could touch, kiss and hug her. And while she was here, so was Ray and he would listen to my fears and concerns for her. He always encouraged my going to see her – even on the last evening (Wednesday, 7/31) he was here, he agreed it was important for me to visit her in MDAH. With both of them no longer here, I am thankful GOD provides, and we are blessed by our families and friends. Ray isn’t here to listen to me about your Mom and your Mom isn’t here to listen to me about Ray – told all of you – it’s about me! Seriously though, I am comforted by the sure and certain knowledge Cindy is FREE, laughing, moving, stitching – catching everyone up…Ray’s breathing easier and he no longer has to stop to catch his breath. I am thinking she and Ray are having a grand time sharing info – hopefully she is helping Ray tell everyone about everything! Still missing them terribly. It’s hard to accept they will not return to us but as King David said, one day we will go to where they are. Love each of you dearly and praying for GOD to comfort as only He can.

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