As I was flying back on the plane from San Francisco, I thought about mom being so excited for this trip. She knew about it at least a year in advance and told us to save the date. This weekend dad ended his year as the president of the American Society of Anesthesiologists. Mom was so excited for his year of presidency. There would be a lot of traveling so she had gotten a new suitcase and a new carry on purse that had tons of room. I used that carry on bag. I love using or wearing her stuff. It brings comfort. I thought about her the whole time we were there. If she had not been diagnosed, she would have been hopping on and off that tour bus with is. She would have been going with me to every store. She would have loved just being near the water whether it was on the pier or on the ferry. If she were still here today, she would have said “here’s my credit card. Go have fun with my babies.” And afterwards, we would have come back and watched movies. I loved going on trips with her.
All weekend I heard the same thing: You look exactly like your mother. I love it. Mom would always say “oh you poor thing.” I never understood why. She was beautiful. My favorite comment was from a friend and colleague of dad. I walked into dinner and he came up to me and said, “you are so much of a spitting image of your mother that it knocked me back. I felt like she was walking into the room.”
I heard so many nice and comforting and heartfelt things about mom. They shared many fond memories of her. I felt so hollow even so. I cried every night in the shower. It hurts knowing how excited she was about this trip. It hurts seeing my dad alone amidst other doctors with their wives. When he spoke at dinner, I cried. I had actually become overwhelmed with emotion at that first dinner when he simply spoke her name. I’m not really sure why. But seeing him get emotional will always make me emotional. Every time he spoke of his career choices, he always says “we”, “us”, “together”. They always made decisions together and his years leading up to his presidency, she was always supporting and encouraging him. She was so proud of him.
So he started this journey as president with mom by his side at the meeting.
And he finished with his children and grandchildren by his side and mom smiling down on us. As one of dad’s colleague’s said, “Just look over your shoulder and you will see Cindy!”