The Ache

There are days that I just ACHE for you. I miss you everyday, but some days it is more intense and I ache for your physical being. I have been having a lot of these days lately.  I cry at the drop of a hat. A certain song comes on, just the tune of another song, seeing a Sonic, running errands, having your face flash in my memory. I put my sunglasses on until I regain my composure. I miss the everyday mundane things. Helping you shove that brace into those ugly shoes we both hated so much. Driving to Sonic twice a day. I miss the looks and compliments we would get on your “Moses” walking stick.

I long for our talks. For our inside jokes. The secret looks we would give each other. Of course some say they were not that secret! I know you are here in my heart. I know you are watching over me. But I just want to see you and I want to laugh with you. I was sharing a memory with Mindy (my cousin/friend). I was laughing about something we did and said. Mindy asked “how did ya’ll have such an amazing relationship?” I didn’t know how to answer that. We just did. God blessed us.

I had a dream that THIS was all a dream. I walked into the house and froze. I asked what you were doing here and you said you have always been here. That I just had a bad dream. I wish that was true.On days like this, I just pray. I try to channel your strength. I try to think the way you would think. 

People ask me if I’m ok. I’m ok in the sense that I can still do my wife and motherly duties. But in the sense of “hey your mom just died, how are you?” I’m not ok.

Blessing: My brothers pitching in for Cindy’s Silver Linings 

About Sherry

I'm not sure about me yet. I lost my mom, my best friend, my confidant to brain cancer. I see the good it has brought in others, I'm just not sure yet how it has changed me for the better. Her kindness and finding joy in sadness has been passed to us, but this is a pain I have never felt. I know she would not want us sitting around crying, she would want us enjoying each other and laughing and continue to grow closer. She loved when we all got together and just laughed and that's what we have been doing. But honestly, I'm really scared of life without her. I relied on her for everything. Most of my time was spent with her, so I'm just not sure about me. I just take it day by day and try to find the beauty of gray.
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One Response to The Ache

  1. Mindy says:

    Some people say the pain will ease or “get better” but I don’t think it does. I think what they mean is that you just “get used” to living with the pain. If that makes any sense? Her absence will never get easier. She should be here with us! She should be able to be the one to help people find the silver lining in such a vicious disease. But for reasons that we don’t know.
    I hate that you hurt. I hate that you have to “put on your strong face” when there are some days that I bet you’d like to stay in bed until you did wake up from this bad dream! I’m sorry she couldn’t be the 5%! I know great things have come from her diagnosis to now, but I know that we would all give it back to have her back!

    The ache. Yes. I see it in your face. I see it in your dad’s and I see it in Joe’s. I saw it in John Jr’s yesterday and I could hear it through B’s text when I texted him Happy Anniversary. Cindy should have been the first one to text him at midnight;-) haha! I can see it in Aunt Sherry and I see it in my dad. I hate that them two look so strong, but I know it’s because they are older (haha!, I said it) and have walked through the pain of losing many that they have loved and they have accepted that is a part of life. But I also see a difference as well in them – like a mother shouldn’t lose her child, one shouldn’t lost a sibling, IMO, especially a younger one;-(
    Heck – I wish there were no more death.
    Now I’m rambling and crying in the HEB parking lot! Why you gotta make me cry;-)

    Love you sweet Shewwy! (Yes, I put w’s) I wish if were all a nightmare.
    Min

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