The denial phase came crashing in on me this week. Two nights in a row I have found myself sobbing curled up in a ball. Not sure what spurred it this time. Isabella starting school. Deena (my mother in law) coming to town. Cleaning mom’s closet. A combination of all I assume. But the realization of not seeing your face and hearing your voice has gotten to me.
Deena came to visit just to hang out and help me out in any way. Seeing her play with the kids brings me joy and sadness. I’m glad they still have a grandmother, but so sad at the thought that they may not remember “mammie”. Mammie did so much for them and with them. She shared many special moments. Sleepovers at her house. Sleepovers at my house. Movies. Shopping. Children’s Museum. Are they too young to remember? Matthew possibly. I have hope with Isabella. She has been crying for Mammie a lot lately and it breaks my heart. She looks to the sky and says “hi mammie. I love you.” One day she just started bawling after saying it. She misses her mammie. She actually reminds HERSELF that mammie is smiling at her. She sings to mammie in the car. Dances for mammie in her room. She said to me the other day, “you don’t need to cry for mammie. She is in a good place.” Such a wise little three year old.
Matthew got home from work and Deena walked over to him and gave him a big hug and said “your mama loves you.” How I would love to hear those words from her again. That is what triggered the meltdown tonight. I think it was the first meltdown I have had with Matthew. I have been trying not to show my emotion in front of others. Not that they would judge me. I have been trying to still be a good mother and wife, but still grieve. I just feel guilty showing my sadness in front of my little family.
Blessing of the Day: Amidst my meltdown tonight, the name of mom’s organization popped into my head, put there by God himself. Cindy’s Silver Linings. She always believed that she was given this tumor for a reason. There was a greater cause. She just didn’t know what it was. She saw the good in everything, the silver lining.