I went with dad today to pick out the grave marker. We stopped at Garden Ridge first to get some flowers for mom and the rest of our crew at that cemetery. We will continue what she always did. It bothered me to see the dirt where she is buried. I hate the idea that my sweet mama is in the ground. Matthew (my amazing husband) says to look up instead. I know he’s right. But the PERSON I shared so many memories with is in the ground. And that bothers me.
I sometimes wonder when my denial will end. Even being there today, I still feel a sense of denial. Strange. When will it come crashing in on me the reality of everything. I get such pain when I look at your picture. Such sorrow. I don’t talk too much. Just write. Write my thoughts as they come to me. I can’t believe I will have to live so long without you. I saw a grandma at the park with her granddaughter. I instantly got jealous. Dad has talked about selling the house. I’m glad. SO many great memories there, but 3 people have now died in my childhood room. Yours by far the hardest. I’m still haunted by how your last days were. Your face just wasn’t your face. I know you would not have wanted us to see you like that. I’m glad I was at the house though when she passed. She was still warm when I gave her that last hug. She looked like herself. Still flushed. She was just sleeping. No pain. No dehydration. Just you. As the time went by that morning, your features slowly became that of a deceased. Still so unbelievable. My grief email told me that I may never recover but will learn to move on while still remembering. I know my next step will take quite a long time. I miss absolutely everything about you.
While she was going through the dying process, I was getting quite mad with God for not taking her. For making her suffer and making us suffer as we watched you fight. And then the night you died, there was your “beach moon” and a green shooting star. Your favorite color. God is always on time. He was waiting for that right moment. Waited to take you on a day where He knew there would be signs for us. I am thankful for that.
Blessing of the Day: Seeing 3 silver ribbons that still remained at your burial site a week later. 3 — I Love You