My Thoughts on August 31, 2013

I went with dad today to pick out the grave marker. We stopped at Garden Ridge first to get some flowers for mom and the rest of our crew at that cemetery. We will continue what she always did. It bothered me to see the dirt where she is buried. I hate the idea that my sweet mama is in the ground. Matthew (my amazing husband) says to look up instead. I know he’s right. But the PERSON I shared so many memories with is in the ground. And that bothers me.

I sometimes wonder when my denial will end. Even being there today, I still feel a sense of denial. Strange. When will it come crashing in on me the reality of everything. I get such pain when I look at your picture. Such sorrow. I don’t talk too much. Just write. Write my thoughts as they come to me. I can’t believe I will have to live so long without you. I saw a grandma at the park with her granddaughter. I instantly got jealous. Dad has talked about selling the house. I’m glad. SO many great memories there, but 3 people have now died in my childhood room. Yours by far the hardest. I’m still haunted by how your last days were. Your face just wasn’t your face. I know you would not have wanted us to see you like that. I’m glad I was at the house though when she passed. She was still warm when I gave her that last hug. She looked like herself. Still flushed. She was just sleeping. No pain. No dehydration. Just you. As the time went by that morning, your features slowly became that of a deceased. Still so unbelievable. My grief email told me that I may never recover but will learn to move on while still remembering. I know my next step will take quite a long time. I miss absolutely everything about you.

While she was going through the dying process, I was getting quite mad with God for not taking her. For making her suffer and making us suffer as we watched you fight. And then the night you died, there was your “beach moon” and a green shooting star. Your favorite color. God is always on time. He was waiting for that right moment. Waited to take you on a day where He knew there would be signs for us. I am thankful for that.

Blessing of the Day: Seeing 3 silver ribbons that still remained at your burial site a week later. 3 — I Love You

20130925-205823.jpg

About Sherry

I'm not sure about me yet. I lost my mom, my best friend, my confidant to brain cancer. I see the good it has brought in others, I'm just not sure yet how it has changed me for the better. Her kindness and finding joy in sadness has been passed to us, but this is a pain I have never felt. I know she would not want us sitting around crying, she would want us enjoying each other and laughing and continue to grow closer. She loved when we all got together and just laughed and that's what we have been doing. But honestly, I'm really scared of life without her. I relied on her for everything. Most of my time was spent with her, so I'm just not sure about me. I just take it day by day and try to find the beauty of gray.
This entry was posted in Sherry's Corner, The Beauty of Gray and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to My Thoughts on August 31, 2013

  1. Gaynor says:

    Sherry, I love your honesty & raw transparency. Thanks for sharing your journey with others. I have two daughters & we are so close, like you & your mom were. And I can just imagine the deep, gnawing pain they would endure to lose me or my husband, whom they adore. And I cannot even imagine losing one of them. It seems unbearable.

    But in the midst of death comes new life. In the midst of suffering, newfound joys arise. In the midst of uncertainty, hope floats to the top & a new day bursts forth…if (and the IF is crucial) we place our hope in God. IF we turn to God and not solely inward. IF we seek His comfort. IF we search for the new “me” by searching Him. IF we admit our weakness so that He can be strong in us. IF we borrow His love to trust to love wholeheartedly again.

    This will not be an easy path. My heart breaks that you must traverse it. It will mold you into a new person, and it’s your choice what kind of person you will become–bitter, strong, skeptical, trusting, shackled, free, despondent, joyful, withdrawn, outreaching, inward, engaged. Choose life. Your mom would want you to choose life. To choose authenticity in finding peace & joy & contentment in this world.

    As a mother of young adult daughters, if I had died & was looking down from heaven onto my girls’ lives, I would breathe heavenly life into their lives here. I’d say, “Live life. No need to be sad. I am with God! I built you up to be strong in this world. Tender & emotional & caring & with the ability to feel the deep pain of lost love. But strong in faith. Strong in your soul. I was never your strength. God is your Strength, and it is through Him that you will be strong. Dear daughter, choose Life in Him!”

    You are your mother’s daughter, created in her image & carrying out her image onto the next generation. I know you will be a lot like your mother, with the keen ability to love large & share unabounded joy with others. You will do this naturally because she showed you how. You will emulate her in all that you loved about her, and those that didn’t know her will know her through you. In a great sense, she carries on through you. What a distinct honor to be your mother’s daughter. Honor her in faith, joy & love. And hope.

    Blessings,
    Gaynor Lubojasky

  2. Laura Elwell says:

    Sherry,
    Your posts as well as the Silver Linings Foundation are such a great testament to the relationship you had with your mother and what a wonderful person she was. I am so sorry for the pain you have in your heart and the emptiness you feel. Your writings and efforts to find blessings in each day will help you heal. I have no doubt she will continue to find ways to remind you and your family that she is still with you all and watching over you. My prayers are with all of you still.

  3. Mindy says:

    Wow that tore me up!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s