I realized what one aspect of my anger may be. A lot of people with cancer get told they are terminal while still being functional. Her beast didn’t allow this to happen. We were told over and over again it was inflammation, not tumor. Those are shadows, not tumors. Was told over and over again that she would regain what was lost. She got so incapacitated that it was hard for her to enjoy her family those last few months. No talking, barely laughing, no walking. We had her and then she was gone. It was killing me to see her die slowly and she didn’t even know it. None of us did. We all thought it would be getting better. Not fair. Not fair to any of us.
Despite the anger, I feel as if I am actually handling her being gone better than I thought I would. It might be the denial still. I guess those months of not being able to talk to each other prepared me to live without her. It sucked then and it always will.
So much we still had to do. Help me with kids going to school, room mom, team mom, New York Trip, American Girl Trip in Chicago. So much more. Life isn’t fair. I know this. But this tops the list of unfairness! Oh how I miss the norm. The Before 2012 times. I’m glad I’m already on medicine. Maybe that is what is keeping me going. Or maybe mom has given me her strength. Her courage. Her hope. I know I am the matriarch of our little unit now. I have to keep everyone in touch. Keep tabs on dad. Pester people about being safe. Call just to chat. I have very big shoes to fill.
I took Isabella shopping for school supplies and clothes today. All I could think about is that mom would have been with me. I saw a woman there that was with another lady much older shopping together for supplies. It looked like mother and daughter getting the kids/grandkids supplies. Made me sad.
I watch our shows alone now. I want to call her so bad to talk about them. There have been so many punches of reality.
Blessing of the Day: Isabella calling me her sweet girl. Mom would always say that to us